Heebie BA (the well qualified, but rather dim Wizard) was spring cleaning (showing just how dim he really was, as this was the middle of Winter). As he did so he came across some dust-encrusted volumes, entitled “The adventures of Heebie BA”, and a wave of nostalgia (or was that nausea?) washed over him as he drifted back to the halcyon days so well documented in “Poorprint”, the scurrilous magazine of the time. So many of the fabled personae of those days had now departed (and others still had come and gone since then), leaving Heebie feeling deserted … and even more confused than ever. Heebie’s most trusted apprentice, Merlyn d’Welshman was now running his own little known Kingdom of Be-eye-be-eff, and little was heard of him these days. Merlyn’s successor, Ma Cannon, who had inherited Merlyn’s magical ability to draw with a bag of balls, had also gone - to a strange land of the Jaw Dees who spent their infrequent sober hours (and many of their not-so-sober ones) battling for sweet F.A. The loss of Ma left Heebie with no-one to oversee the jousting of the Tribes, which was the stuff of Heebie’s very existence, and he had cast around for a replacement. In his quest he chanced upon a Hemlock Clerk, but, having supped upon the poisoned chalice, she saw the wisdom of Ma’s departure, and soon followed. Thus it was that Heebie had come to turn to Maxi Bah-Lamb to tend his flock. Yea, and great was Heebie’s relief that Maxi proved a good and loyal shepherd, even when she had the dubious assistance of the notorious ‘Ead ‘Itter thrust upon her. This scribe had finished with his great organ, “Poorprint”, much to the joy of Heebie and his Tribes, but he had turned to yet another false prophet, and had become a Master of Spiders – creatures which he oft used to post his scurrilous messages. Through much of this time Heebie had been cosseted (nay, kept in the dark even) by a loyal acolyte named the Sigh-man – he who was well versed in a strange new language, called “man age-ment”, as it’s most potent charm was to put years on the listener. Unfortunately Heebie’s most trusted adviser had been most careless, and had lost one of Heebie’s most prized possessions, known as The Plot. Thus the Sigh-man had been turfed out of Heebie’s castle, which was known as Staining Leigh, and was said to leave its mark on all who went therein. So impoverished had Heebie now become that even his gold-encrusted throne had gone, and in its place was a mere Chair, occupied by a certain Mad Hatter. It was she, along with her spell-binding coterie, the Hex-ecutive, who had cast the Sigh-man adrift on Heebie’s behalf. So it had come to pass that Maxi Bah-Lamb had been left to tend the ever-restless Tribes of Heebie’s domain alone, save for some assistance from Brain All-dead, said by some to be a follower of the tribe called Shirks, and their wizard, Flinch. So great was the burden of dealing with these semi-literate denizens of the nether world that now even Maxi had deemed that there was but one safe place to be – on the other side of the world. And so Heebie had to search for a new shepherd to strive to keep the Tribes in order, just as his domain was coming under yet another threat. This came from a newly arrived Gaelic wizard, Con Ference, who was even now conspiring with the elders of the Tribes to deprive Heebie of even more of the ever-diminishing powers that he possessed. “Thou hast lost The Plot” they cried, conveniently forgetting to mention, nor recognise, that they had never even had one … and probably wouldn’t recognise one if they saw it. Despite this, they were girding their loins for a great challenge to Heebie at his Birthday Party, the Agey Em.
All will be revealed (or made even more obscure) if we come across any further hidden volumes of the secret diary of Heebie BA.
(Disclaimer: “Pawprint” believes that the above chapter of the saga of Heebie BA may well be a work of fiction, even though it was found etched into the inside of the eyelids of the Spider-Meister. The characters in this saga bear no resemblance to any person living, dead, or working for England Basketball). |
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