ALLEGEDLY ...

The things they said, and the things they did ... and somebody, somewhere really wishes they hadn't!

According to the Rhondda website, their visit on 22nd March is to a team called the "Nottingham Wildvats". They clearly expected it to be a taxing encounter!

I really should take more to care to proof-read what I write - especially after all the stick I dish out to others when they make unintended errors.

On one of the recently updated Club Directory pages I'd described the role of a player who had recently also become Assistant Coach as "Takes up Ass Coaching duties".

It's a good job the player/coach concerned has a sense of humour - his e-mail to ask me if I'd care to reword that phrase was actually very polite!

"Taunton took a bus load of fans to their semi-final in Birmingham, and I expect them to bring two to Newcastle." says Northumbria coach Greg Modzelewski in the official EB preview of the Division 2 Final.

Is that all? I wonder where they'll park their tandem?

I came across a fascinating "age group" competition in the latest issue of the Northants' Press Release. They apparently participate in the "Under 145 Boys Midlands Conference".

Where do I sign up?

The BBL press release tells us that "Reining champions Springfield Honda Newcastle Eagles bounced back from defeat ..."

They must have been champing at the bit!

I know that Leicester Riders' new signing, Rob Paternostro, is a very combative player, but even so don't you think that the BBL Preview was a bit over the top in describing him as a "duel-national"?

According to the preview of the National Trophy, on the EB website, "... Pete Kelly takes the reigns at Arrows."

Now I know that Garnet Gayle is a tough act to follow ... but I thought he was the only one who believed he was royalty!

According to the team-list on the Newcastle Eagles' website, their power forward, Olu Babalola stands 2cm tall!

As the reader who spotted this pointed out, "It's no wonder he missed out on the NBA".

According to Kent Crusaders, the father of one of their new signings was "... formally a coach with the junior Canterbury team."

If he was only formally the coach, what did he really do?

Having agreed to participate in a Great Britain team in the European Championships, I wonder how happy the Scots will be when they look at FIBA's Men's fixture schedule and find that the home game against Netherlands, on 9th September, is to be played at "Edinburgh, ENG"?

Who says that Town Planners don't have a sense of humour?

I doubt, though, that any disabled customers in the new shopping centre in Doncaster would have seen the funny side of this sign!

I had to laugh at this notice, posted prominently at the NIA in Birmingham.

What else do they expect excitable basketball fans to do?

OK, this isn't about basketball, and the context of the story is not in the least amusing. However, the copy-writer at Five Live News deserves an award for making me pull over to the side of the road, as I couldn't see for tears of laughter. The cause? Well, what do you make of this phrasing for a story? "Paul Scholes may never fully recover the sight in one eye ... but he is determined to see out the the remainder of his contract ..." !!!

City of Sheffield Arrows are, naturally, very excited at having reached the National Trophy Final again, with their overtime victory over Reading Rockets.

They might be a bit confused about the date and venue of the event (not to mention their opponents), though, as their website advertises this Saturday's match at the EIS as "City of Sheffield Arrows v London United; National Trophy Final!!" [The exclamation marks are theirs, not mine]

According to the Leopards' match report on their game at London United, Brian Moore was seen to "... sunk all three shorts from the charity stripe".

Now that's what I call real binge-drinking!.

"30 year old Williams, a former BBL Championship and BBL Cup winner, has already had a spell with the Bullets this season before moving to the Genesis Brighton Bears and then to try his look on the continent. "
Maybe he was aiming for a modelling career, but it's clear that someone didn't like the look of him!

A sharp-eyed reader from Worthing reckons that he's identified the reason why Leopards lost their game to the Thunder.

According to the Essex & Herts team's match report, "A Salter try levelled the score at 25 after two minutes ...". Clearly, our correspondent points out, the Leopards were playing the wrong game!

Come to think of it, that could explain why their foul-count mounted so rapidly ... too many strong tackles.

News from deepest East Kent is that Paul Jessop is scoring "free pointers ".

Is he standing too far back from the line ... or is that just how it's pronounced down in the Sarf-East?

Solent's match report of their recent game at home to London United refers to one of the visiting players as "Santa Ahaha".

Perhaps it's just a reference to the fact that he undoubtedly had the last laugh, with a 121-71 scoreline.

According to the East Kent Crusaders' latest press release they're due to play host to "Hacknet" next weekend.

Should I be worried about them breaking into my website after the game?

Some of the submissions on the Results' Line are good for laugh ... if you have a particularly warped sense of humour.

One of the best ones recently was the caller who, giving the names of the scorers in a Division 1 game, ended with "... and that Lithuanian guy whose name I don't know, but it sounds like 'you're vicious', had 10 points". And he expected someone to know who he was talking about!

Fortunately, I did.

"(West Herts) Warriors claim Patrons Cup Semi Final birth".

Does that mean the team's undergoing a renaissance ... or do they mean berth?

GOTCHA!

"Bears sing an ex-Leopard" said the headline a couple of days ago ... on "Pawprint"!

"I didn't know Nick Nurse was musical" commented an eagle-eyed reader.

"Since leaving University Dux has played in Holland for Dan Helder ..." claims the recent press release.

So, does is this Dan Helder guy own a club? If so, is it in the town of Den Helder?

"He is athletic and brings us some scoring inside the paint. He will compliment Troy (Selvey)" say the Leopards, about Errol Seaman.

I'd have thought it would be better if they could play well together, rather than just saying "Well done" to each other!

I loved the headline to BBL's recent story from Chester, "Singleton takes the reigns ...".

I can't wait to see Big Billy wearing a crown on the sidelines this season!

I think I've discovered one reason why the Bullets are struggling this season.

According to their Player Profiles, point guard Santa Ataha's Date of Birth was "7/2/1994". At 6'1" and 12 stone, he's obviously quite a prospect, ... but perhaps he could do with five more years in the Under-16s!

According to the BBL Results' Bulletin, Thames Valley Tigers had "a 84-84 victory over the Jets on Saturday evening."

Now that's what I call a close win!

According to the Rhondda website, "[The Rebels]  will receive a huge boots when Top Scorer Geraldine Robert returns to the team after a month’s layoff ...".

Maybe her injury was caused by the weight of the footwear?

"Also at the Brighton Centre today:" stated the BBL Press Release,

"National Trophy Final:
City of Sheffield Arrows 83 (25,47,68) (Patton 28, Cauthorn 19, Richards 13)
Worthing Thunder         76 (21,41,76) (Moore 23, Knox 21, Gayle 15)"

I know Sheffield play some tough defence, but should we contact the Guinness Book of Records ... or should we try to find out the actual third quarter score?

I understand that the start of Brighton's home game against Leicester at the New Year was delayed for an unusual reason - the visitors had forgotten to take their kit with them!

Mind you, if this season's Leicester strip is anything like the ones they've worn in recent seasons I think I'd want to leave it at home as well!

If you've heard scurrilous suggestions that the Leopards may be thinking of swapping EBL Division 1 for Women's Division 1, I can exclusively reveal that the source of this unlikely story is the match report that went out this week referring to the game between Teesside Mohawks and the "Essex & Hers Leopards"

"Huntley ran out the hero as ... he nailed two baskets in a row from beyond the ark", the BBL Results Bulletin tells us.

I know it's rained heavily today ... but has the Tyne really risen that much?

According to the most recent match report from Essex & Herts Leopards, "... it was forward Matt Eames who stared for the visitors".

I wonder what caught his attention?

"UH West Herts Warriors returned home on Saturday to face one of the Div 2 title candidates, the Nittingham Knights ..." says the Warriors' website.

Now come on, guys, I know they beat you by one, but there's no need to be disrespectful!

"Jason Euell striker for Premiership football club Charlton will be making a guest appearance at Kingston on 16th October." we're told proudly by the Kingston website.

One (cruel) fans suggested that Euell should feel quite at home, "After all, Athletic aren't doing very well either, this season"

Or, as another fan put it, "If he decides to change sports, and joins Kingston, would that make him a Wildcats striker?"

This has nothing to do with basketball, but having been glued to the TV, like the rest of the sporting public, this week, I couldn't resist it:

"These tournaments come around every two years, so you can't expect to go out and win it every year."

OK, Michael Owen, we'll put that one down to tiredness and disappointment, shall we.

According to this week's EB Bulletin (5th April) a number of teams have "formerly applied for the Senior England Basketball Leagues".

Was this published four days late ... or have they "formally" applied as well?

"The Scottish Phoenix Honda Record Rocks ... are competing in the HARIBO Cup Final for the first time in their history" says their recent Press Release (Dec. 2003)

Well, it would be "for the first time in their history", wouldn't it - it's a new competition this season!

"There are not many matches today" stated the OFS Results' Line (which charges callers on an 0900 tariff, "These will start with the 6.30pm update on Sunday."

Nothing remarkable about that, you may think ... except that it was still saying that at 10.35pm!

Is there a problem at Hull between coach Kevin Penny and long-serving player Taryn Algar?

Apparently Algar did not play earlier in the season at Mansfield, amid suggestions that the coach was not happy with his "attitude".

Then, this Sunday, in Hull, Taryn did not get many second-half minutes, and I'm told that, after the match was over (resulting in a Mansfield victory), only the timely physical intervention of several members of both teams prevented a major altercation between player and coach.

I'm assured that there is no truth in the rumour that Hull have approached Alex Ferguson to come and sort out their dressing room.

Manchester are away, in the Conference, to "...a rapidly improving Coventry" according to the Magic's latest media release.

Rapidly improving? But they lost at Solent by thirty points this last weekend! Oh, I see ... I suppose that was an improvement on their 73 point loss at Teesside the week before.

I've discovered why Mansfield lost to Bath in their recent NBL Division 1 game. According to Mansfield's match report, their team went into the interval "... with a two pint lead ...". Naturally the visitors sobered up more quickly in the second half!

In similar vein, Northants Juniors have revealed how they appear to outnumber their opponents. In a recent match, they claim that their coach "... put all three of his under 16’s onto the court and all four obliged by scoring." Now that's what I call team-work.

“What’s your official title?” I asked Nick Stonnard, just before he presented Niki Arinze with the October BBL Player-of-the-month Award.

“I’m Referees’ Supervisor for BBL” came the reply, “but I should just introduce me as from BBL if I were you … we don’t want to antagonise anyone unnecessarily!”

If you need to get from your accommodation to a game on time, during the rush-hour, you'd think a Police escort would be the answer, wouldn't you?

If so, you'd be as wrong as I was! The motorcyclist who escorted us from Cardiff up into the Valleys appeared to think that his role was to wait patiently ahead of us at every junction until there was sufficient break in the traffic for us both to get out! At times he even waved traffic into the queue from side-roads.

"We'd have got here quicker without him" is a rough (highly censored) version of the minibus driver's opinion as we arrived 20 minutes after we were due.

Oh yes, incidentally, the Canaria team just happened to be sharing the transport with me. And there I was thinking they were trying to make sure the match announcer arrived on time!

Basketball can be so cruel.

This season Mike Shaft has moved back to Manchester to live, and was unable to commit to commentating at both Sheffield and Newcastle.

"Looks like you made the wrong choice this time, Shafty" one ecstatic Newcastle fan was heard to remark, as the Cup game at Ponds Forge drew to a close, with the Eagles picking up a stunning victory over the Sharks.

Wish I'd thought of saying that!

"We've got to get him a net in the back garden, to practice" said a fan, as his team's new American missed yet another free-throw.

"Ah yes," replied the club's General manager, "but we've got to get him a back garden first!"

If E-mail refers to sending messages by computer, and E-commerce relates to conducting business on the internet, can any Leopards fans tell me what the E-ssex in their new name is all about?

I think I've worked out where Mansfield Express went wrong against Derbyshire at the weekend.

According to their match report, Mansfield "... only hit two pints ..." in the fourth quarter. The moral is clear - don't drink and drive to the basket!

Sometimes it's a real strain being a match announcer.

For instance, the other day I was commentating on the Brighton v. Brest game at the Birmingham Tournament, and I had to force myself to go right through the match without once asking if the neutrals in the crowd would like to "give some support to Brest" !

It appears we may be short of at least one top whistle-blower this season.

I was talking to a referee of my acquaintance the other day, and he told me that one of our Greek match officials (I’m not going to name him, but there are so many in this country that you’ll never work out who I mean) seems to have disappeared over the summer.

Nobody’s heard from him for several months, and the common consensus is that he’s probably returned to Athens.

If you happen to bump into him on your travels, I'm told that his local car dealership would be very keen to hear of the whereabouts of the Ferrari that he leased from them a month before he went!

"I know the Leopards' new coach pretty well." Robbie Peers tells me "In fact he came over and spent last Christmas with us."

After a Christmas with Robbie, I suspect he may just have sobered up by the start of the new season!

This man is neither swearing nor behaving in an aggressive manner, and therefore should not be banned.

If you object to bad language, please do not click here to see the cartoon that dropped into my Inbox the other day.

Most basketball followers (well, all basketball fans with anything less than total hearing loss, anyway) will know Adam, the Sheffield Sharks' fan. "How many points from the stripe?" he was heard to shout at one point during the BBL Final, which many believed to be a reference to the foul-count differential between the Sharks and the Jets.

Personally I thought it was more likely a reference to Sharks' own Lynard Stewart - 0 of 5 in the game.

"Season's record of Won 8, Lost 37" announced commentator Simon Mattick as Robbie Peers was presented with the Coach of the Year Award prior to the Championship Final.

Don't give up the day job, Simon ... but then if it involves working with numbers ...

"What's the name of Brighton's Assistant Coach" I was asked by ITV Sports' interviewer Simon O'Rourke just after Nick Nurse had picked up his Technical Foul in the Championship semi-final.

I had to admit that I didn't know, but asked why he needed it. "In case I have to interview him instead, if Nick doesn't make it to the end of the game!" came the reply.

I was delighted to hear that the BBL Basketball scores (though no others, unfortunately) continue to be given out on Radio Five Live in the later News/Sport Bulletins.

What I couldn't quite fathom was the list of qualifiers that they read out after the Championship Quarter Finals ... "Westfield, Brighton and Sheffield"!

Now I wonder - is that good advertising, because Westfield got their name mentioned ... or is it bad, as obviously many people think that they're a place and not a firm?

Received a fascinating e-mail the other day from Roy Birch, of Ware Rebels and Eurosport fame.

In it Roy was explaining something about the Cadet Women South East. Now as you may know, on a keyboard the letter "t" is right next to the letter "y", and so the message didn't quite turn out as Roy intended.

What I now want to know is whether "Women South Easy" is a definition or a request?

Chester Jets' coach Robbie Peers has always been good for a quote, but he excelled himself on ITV Sports Channel at the BBL Trophy Final.

"Winning" he declared "is like women. The more you have, the more you want."

It's a pity the camera didn't pick up the interviewer's face!

Cedi Frederick, one-time long-serving player with teams like Hemel and Brunel, was telling me about his new job.

"I'm trying to bring a touch of integrity to the world of Sports Agents" he said. Now hang on, Cedi, isn't that a contradiction in terms? "integrity" and "sports agent" in the same sentence?

Come to think of it, "integrity" and "Cedi Frederick" .... ? (That'll teach him not to accuse me of becoming part of the establishment!)

The (otherwise excellent) match programme for England v. Slovenia at Coventry referred to one England player as "Ronnie Barker".

"Well" said England Basketball Chief Executive, Simon Kirkland, "if we get into difficulties he should get us out of jail."

Don't give up the day job, Simon - I'll do the funnies round here!

Now we all know that Robbie Peers, of the Chester Jets, is the only coach ever to have pulled off John Thomas during a game.

It's a good job, then, that announcer Simon Mattick wasn't commentating on Chester's match when he referred to a player who had been substituted as "going to the bench for a blow"! 

I spotted Jim "Pavarotti" Walsh, coach to Sutton Pumas and ex-Director of Championships for England Basketball, deep in earnest conversation with Cedi Frederick at Coventry Skydome.

Now I know that Cedi, ex-BBL veteran, experienced coach, and all-round nice-guy, recently left Ealing Tornados after a dispute believed to centre around the respective roles of coaches and directors.

Could we be seeing Cedi on the sidelines at Sutton in the near future? Or was Jim enquiring about the chances of acquiring Mark Quashie, recently cut by Ealing?

Telling comment by Billy Mims, to Ralph Blalock when the latter appeared on the verge of an altercation with Sheffield's Locker Okorie during the Sharks' fourth quarter fight-back. "Ralph", he called across court, "be careful. They don't need him, but I need you!"

Overheard a discussion this week, between two noted members of the media corps, on London Towers' stuttering start to the season.

"Of course" said one "European competition puts an enormous extra strain on the players."

"True" replied the other, "but then again, it could just be that they're crap!"

I know this one has no connection with basketball, but I couldn't resist it!

According to Friday's (12/10) Daily Mirror, "Dressed in turquoise with a matching hat, Charles took the Queen Mother by the arm as she got out of their limo ..."

If you're an avid supporter of the monarchy, for heaven's sake don't click here.

"They also have another game winner in Terrell Myers ... you don't ever want to be close against the Towers in the waning seconds ... close won't get it done, they will find a way to win." Billy Mims was quoted as saying, in the BBL News and Preview.

So, Leicester led by two going into the final quarter, and Myers hit a "3", 18 seconds from time, to take the game by two.

Don't be surprised if Billy goes very quiet for a week or so (though I guess "very quiet" for Billy is still loquacious for the rest of us!).

I don't know who produced the names on the back of Derby Storm's playing kit, but they certainly came up with some interesting variations.

Kevin Griffin's proudly bears the word "Giffin", while Shawn Kennedy's has a space between the "d" and the "y" ... where an "e" appears to have been hastily removed.

Perhaps the Storm could consider literacy classes as part of their community involvement?

"Whispering" Mike Burton won't be enjoying his television viewing very much this season.

"Rudgey (Tim Rudge, BBL's Commercial Director) promised me that the League would be on Sky Sports again this season - so I signed up for another year!" 

In the announcement of Jeremy Hyatt's arrival at Newcastle, Tony Garbelotto is reported to have claimed that he had been brought in "to compliment those players we already have".

Does that mean his role is to tell his team-mates how well they're playing? 

Overheard at the Birmingham Tournament (as Brighton took on Chester), "Isn't basketball a wonderful game? Where else could you see a Randy Duck facing up to a John Thomas?"

"Hurry up, Mike, we've got to get to Leicester to watch that game" instructed Robbie Peers, speaking to his assistant coach Mike Burton after Chester's match in the Birmingham Tournament.

"Oh, I don't know", replied Mike, "I'd rather watch this (Birmingham v. Newcastle) ... after all, we don't play Sheffield till after Christmas." - and he took another good swallow from his pint.

"I've got guys in my team who can't walk and chew gum at the same time!" said Derby coach John Spezia, "And the big joke is ... that I recruited them!"

"Don't let him intimidate you, ref" commented Sean Allen, of Swedish club Atomics, when he observed a "discussion" between Sharks' coach Chris Finch and referee Neil Wilkinson.

Who said basketball players were slow on the uptake ... he'd only met Finch for the first time the day before!